Introduction
Whenever a dancer’s attempts to execute a particular movement go awry, we may suspect an infestation of the Wickitty-Whacky Wonky Wobbles. Wickitty-Whacky Wonky Wobbles are endemic to ballet studios, living under the floors. Casual observations have confirmed that the environs of any ballet studio seem to be particularly suitable habitat for these pests. In general, those studios without a marley floor covering experience a greater risk of incidence, but it is not known whether the elevated risk is from increased populations of Wonky Wobbles due to bare wood being their preferred habitat, or whether the greater frequency of attacks in studios without marley is due to the greater difficulty of seeing these creatures under the wood flooring, or to some other cause entirely. Wickitty-Whacky Wonky Wobbles are certainly more easily seen — and, therefore, able to be avoided — when studios have a marley floor covering (See, “Detecting Wickitty-Whacky Wonky Wobbles”, below). A more definitive study could answer this question.
As a species, the Wonky Wobbles are a diverse group, with many varieties in existence. They are very keen observers of human beings and have a perverse streak in them which predisposes them to cause havoc wherever and whenever possible to the humans that come into a dance studio to take ballet class. I shall attempt to describe several of the different types, along with their particular specialties and talents for causing mayhem. (Please note: This list is not exhaustive of the known variations of Wonky Wobble.) The forms depicted in this encyclopedia are ones that have been observed in the Brainerd Lakes area of Minnesota. They may appear different at your ballet studio, but their goals are always the same: the destabilization and frustration of the dancer. This encyclopedic guide has been compiled to forearm the ballet student with knowledge of the wily ways of Wickitty-Whacky Wonky Wobbles. It is hoped that, armed with this information, you — together with your ballet teacher — can keep the Wonky Wobbles at bay in your studio!
Wilor Bluege
Descriptions of the Varieties Within the Wonky Wobble Species: Their Forms, Modes of Locomotion, and Specialties for Causing Mayhem
The Yellow-Spotted Green Wonky Wobble (Plate No. 1) derives its perverse delight from watching young children lose their balance. This Wonky Wobble has sensors within the yellow spots on its skin that pick up the angle of a child’s shoulders and hips. If the Wonky Wobble senses that the child has not leveled his or her shoulders and hips, it slithers towards the hapless child and, with one swift movement, yanks the floor out from under the unsuspecting victim, causing the child to lose his or her balance (and confidence).
The Red-Spotted Purple Wonky Wobble (Plate No. 2) has a similar intent and also has sensors in its spots. However, in this case, the sensors are tuned in to the vertical alignment of the nose, belly button, and center of the standing foot of the child or adult who is attempting to lift one leg off the ground. The sensors of the Red-Spotted Purple Wonky Wobble are so highly sensitive that they can even pick up a lack of focus and intention on the part of the student. These creatures are capable of moving quite swiftly when they sense a student’s failure to commit him or herself over the supporting leg — even before it happens! Once the Wonky Wobble senses this situation, he quickly moves in, herky-jerky fashion, and begins to move the floor furiously from side to side, upsetting the dancer’s equilibrium and aplomb.
The Yellow-Spotted Green and the Red-Spotted Purple varieties have a similar general shape, however, the protuberances bearing the sensors on the Red-Spotted Purple Wonky Wobble are more pronounced and its general shape is more irregular than that of the Yellow-Spotted Green Wonky Wobble. This irregularity allows for easier field identification during the molting season, when the two varieties appear almost identical due to loss of the colors normally associated with them. (See color plates No. 3 and 4)
The Two-Toed Hairy Wonky Wobble (Plate No. 5) is a particularly nasty sort. With fine hairs all over its body, it can sense when a dancer’s knees are not straight or when the buttocks, thigh muscles, lower back muscles or abdominal muscles are not engaged during the rotation of the legs. The loss of control by the dancer is looked on with glee by the offending Wonky Wobble, but can be quite alarming and injurious to the dancer so affected by this pest as it lurches about under the flooring (whether covered by marley or not). Mode of locomotion: pronking from its two-toes.
The Brown-Spotted Blue-Gilled Wonky Wobble (Plate No. 6) resembles nothing so much as a large flounder in both its appearance and its mode of locomotion. This Wonky Wobble is delighted if it can find a dancer who has failed to keep his or her heels on the floor in the demi-plie or does not sufficiently bend the knees before and after a jump. Observing this, the Wonky Wobble buries itself deeper into the floor (much like a flounder does on the ocean floor), causing a vacuum to develop above, which pulls the floor down suddenly underneath such a dancer on the takeoff and prevents the dancer from getting off the ground at all. Or, when a dancer is landing from a jump, this Wonky Wobble will suddenly lurch upwards, shoving the floor up sharply, causing a very hard landing for the dancer whose knees do not bend sufficiently on the landing. Should this creature join forces with the Two-Toed Hairy or the Five-Toed and Mucilaginous Wonky Wobbles (Plates No. 7 and 8), the child will simply not get off the ground and will never develop the desired elevation.
Methods of Locomotion
The means used by Wonky Wobbles are quite varied and include, but are not limited to the following: pronking (favored by the Two-Toed and Five-Toed Hairy), slithering (favored by the Yellow-Spotted Green and Red-Spotted Purple), scurrying like a centipede and galloping (the Mucilaginous), and wobbling from side to side and from forward to aft (favored by the Brown-Spotted Blue-Gilled). In addition to pronking, the two- and five-toed Wonky Wobbles can mimic the bouree movement of dancers, using this mode more frequently when moving above the floor or marley surface. Under certain conditions, all are capable of flattening themselves out and creating a vortex, which spins so fast that it creates a vacuum similar to a tornado (see below) . This mode of locomotion has quite deleterious effects upon the dancer and on the flooring or marley. One can see these effects on the surface of the floor or in places where the tape has come off the marley or seams have curled up or separated.
The Archeological Record
The multitude of forms and locomotion adaptations indicate the specialized niches taken by these creatures and reveal a long history of development that has been confirmed in a recently discovered archeological record.
Workers working underground to shore up the foundation of the complex at Versailles in central France unearthed fossils that were subsequently taken to a university laboratory for study. Carbon dating confirmed that the fossils came from the period of the last quarter of the 17th century. The remains resembled closely the structures of the Yellow-Spotted Green Wonky Wobble (see Plate No. 9). The researchers determined that it is likely that the Yellow-Spotted Green Wonky Wobble is the most primitive of the Wonky Wobbles, both because of its anatomy and because of where the fossil was found — in the oldest layers of sediment under the building.
With the necessary permits obtained, the archeological site was expanded. Further investigation at the site revealed more fossils, a truly rich find containing what has been described as precursor and intermediate forms (see Plate No. 10) of Wonky Wobble, since the fossils possess similarities to both the Brown-Spotted Blue-Gilled and the Two-Toed Hairy Wonky Wobbles. It is likely that the two branches of Wonky Wobbles, the non-footed and the footed varieties, separated sometime during the period from the last quarter of the 17th to the mid-nineteenth century, but the gap in the archeological record has yet to be filled.
With the discovery at Versailles, the search was spurred on in Italy, Russia, Denmark, and eventually in England and the United States. The archeological record in this country is much more recent, not appearing until the first half of the 20th century. The vicinity of La Scala in Milan, Italy and St. Petersburg, Russia have, to date, produced enormous finds of exceptionally well-preserved fossils dating from the end of the 19th and early 20th century (see Plate Nos. 11 and 12). The fully developed forms of the Two-Toed Hairy and Five-Toed Wonky Wobble are more recent, first appearing in a fossil record dating to the first half of the 20th century in Russia. More recent still is the appearance of an early fossil of the Mucilaginous Wonky Wobble that was recently discovered in this country in New York, when the old Metropolitan Opera House was torn down in 1967.
The stages and relationships between the various forms of Wonky Wobble will be clarified as the archeological record becomes more inclusive. The gaps in our knowledge base will be more complete and we will have a better historical picture of these creatures and their influence on the development of ballet, as they most certainly must have adapted to changes in training and the development of an increasingly athletic technique in dancers since the 1960s.
Detecting Wickitty Whacky Wonky Wobbles
As mentioned, Wonky Wobbles are particularly insidious when there is no marley floor covering because they are not as easily detected. Nevertheless, this does NOT mean that they are undetectable to the well-trained eye of an astute observer. The astute observer can detect and ferret out any and all Wonky Wobbles infesting a ballet studio. This observer is called the Ballet Teacher or Ballet Master.
The first line of defense against all varieties of Wonky Wobbles is the Ballet Master. This person has been especially trained in the variations and ways of Wonky Wobbles. He or she will immediately give corrective instruction and frequently physical assistance to the student who is threatened or who has been disturbed by the Wonky Wobbles. The Ballet Master has a moral duty to be absolutely relentless in eliminating the conditions that give rise to disruptions by Wonky Wobbles. The Ballet Master must give no quarter in the event of an attack upon her students by the Wonky Wobbles.
Becoming an astute observer and detective of Wonky Wobbles is, however, the responsibility of each and every student in the classroom. The quicker the student grasps his or her responsibility to observe and detect the telltale signs of “wobbledom” the more discouraged the Wonky Wobbles will become! Although they never leave a studio all together, their presence can be limited and controlled once the students have understood their responsibility and taken steps to address the conditions that give rise to infestations of Wobbles. Inattention and lapse of focus will only encourage and embolden Wonky Wobbles!
To the observant student there is subtle evidence of the presence of Wonky Wobbles in the flooring and marley surface of any studio. If one looks carefully, one can see small divots or shiny areas on the surface of a wood floor caused by the pronking, slithering, and vortex movements of the Wonky Wobbles. On marley surfaces, lumping and humping of the marley itself, loose or missing tape, or curled tape and edges of the marley are sure signs of the presence of Wonky Wobbles. Avoid these areas. The sooner these areas can be attended to by the studio owner the better.
Up Next: "Tools and Early Detection Systems for Identifying and Controlling Wonky Wobbles"
